I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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