dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
