just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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