I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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