Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
