alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
