I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
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