My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
don't judge my taste in strippers
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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