call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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