half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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