who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
