He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
