**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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