just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
