Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
