if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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