I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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