We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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