I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
These tits shall not be calmed
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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