Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
