you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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