guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
