I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
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