I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
