I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
