It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
