All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
