So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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