This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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