listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
