If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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