Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
