if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
