Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
