i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
