Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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