Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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