It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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