the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
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