doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
