Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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