DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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