well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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