I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
