Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
