he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
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