my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I wish I only lived at night.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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