Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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