He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
