gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Dicks are not precious.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
