I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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