So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
