Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
