Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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