My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
